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These two titans of The Blockbusters of Lesser Renown have teamed up in Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. From its title, we can sense that it is ripping off Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. From its content, we can sense that it is ripping off Snow White and the Huntsman. Hansel Vs. Gretel On top of that, it features the automatic crossbows from Van Helsing. It has taken nearly a decade, but someone has ripped off Van Helsing. This is a pivotal moment in cinematic history. We truly are feeding off the bottom at this point. Hollywood is eating itself.
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In this movie’s defense, I will say that at least it feels like a single, complete idea. The opening credits state that it was written and directed by somebody you’ve never heard of. But it definitely feels like the idea of one person translated fairly effectively to the screen. It is a nice contrast to all of the script-by-committee blockbusters of the last 15 years or so. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is really more middle-of-the-road than outright terrible. It’s not Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or anything. I mean, I actually laughed at Gretel’s line when the messenger explodes into a bloody mess at the tavern. Well, it was more of a titter, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.The movie opens with Hansel and Gretel’s father abandoning them in the forest and moving back to Texas. They walk to a nearby house made of candy and are captured by the evil witch that lives there. When all seems lost, they overcome the witch, throw her into the fire, and are consumed by the opening credits. We are told the tale of how Hansel and Gretel started hunting down witches over the years and became famous for their deeds. I think this is why the movie is called Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, but I’m not sure. This movie is quite subtle with its themes.
Now it’s “many years later”, and Hansel and Gretel have come to some podunk town to help with the witch problem. We’ve got a Stupid Chief in the form of the local sheriff, who hates the witch hunters because they’re not from ’round there. We have an annoying teenage groupie, filling the always necessary “Shia LaBeouf in Constantine” role. We have a love interest for Hansel, who turns out to be a good witch like his mother (spoiler). We also have a ridiculous looking troll that saves Gretel from being raped by the Sheriff in one of the most bizarre scenes in a mainstream movie in some time.
Why do we have to have a scene where the female protagonist is threatened with gang rape? Is it really necessary? You’re not making Planet Terror here. It’s not a throwback to exploitation film. Why is it in this movie? Is it a commentary on the patriarchy of some kind? At least Tarantino had the good sense to make his appearance as Rapist #1 funny by having his genitalia melt off as he walked towards his intended victims. I guess this was supposed to be a moment for all of us to check our privilege or something. But why is the scene intercut with Hansel and his gal pal swimming in a pond? What the fuck is going on?
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